The Black Dating Scene in Phoenix - Let's Talk About the Good and Bad!

I've posted many Dating and Relationship-related entries on PhxSoul.com, but I'll be the first to tell you that I don't know everything about the African American dating scene here in the Valley of the Sun.

That's why I'm opening the floor to YOU the readers - the people in the Phoenix are who are single, dating, involved in relationships, married, whatever the case may be!

Let's start talking about dating and relationships here in Phoenix!

Here are some topics:

• If you're single, are you looking to date or are you taking some "me" time?
• If you're single, are you having difficulty finding a significant other? If so, why?
• Where do you go to meet people?
• If you're black and single, is the Valley a good place to find love?
• Are you a serial dater who can't seem to get your relationships to move to the next level?
• If you are a single mom or dad, are you having trouble finding a mate?
• If you're in a relationship or married, what advice do you have for others?
• If you choose to only date people outside of your race, why?
• Why do you think there are so many interracial couples in Arizona?

You are the stars of the show! Without you, PhxSoul.com is nothing!

Please click HERE make your Comments!

Where you at Ronda? Bruce, let's hear what you have to say! DAP, holla back! Strictly Interracial Dater, you out there? What's up Sharon? Jaine Blaize! Everybody chime in!!!

I hope you all are interested in creating a healthy dialogue about dating and relationships in the Phoenix area! This is a great way to learn from and appreciate each other!

The floor is yours ....

Comments

[Al]

Just the facts: In my ONE year livin' experience
here in AZ, the sistas who KNOW they got-it-goin-on standards are a little TOO high. I mean, I look ok, 5'7" very athletic mid 40s no kids, no drama, got my own house but I havent' had a 2nd date with the above mentioned type of sista.. I admit it's ok to NOT compromise what you find attractive, but let's be real.. If you are 5' to 5'4" and you want the MAN TO BE 6' and above, I think that's a little too picky (I'm just sayin')... Also, continuing to judge a book it's cover (clothes he wears, car he drives or maybe doesn't have a car, etc. etc.) it's not smart (it's the character, morals, personality etc. that SHOULD count).

[Idris]

Maggie, I'm not sure I understand your argument. Are you saying that only black women can have an "opinion" on interracial dating/marriage? What is the "historical implications" that you are referencing?

[maggie]

To Idris, I understand everything you said and I agree with you. However, what I posted was a response to non-black women who may not know that their point of view is irrelevant to the real issue being discussed on these blogs. My response may seem emotional but it has reason. What I was trying to convey is that I am uncomfortable with non-black women coming on black sites and telling us black women that our "emotions" are misguided when in fact it has real historical relevance--something that they are clueless about and insensitive to. These non-black women are coming from all emotion and no history. Black women may express their disgust or disappointment with black men dating outside the race with ebonics, slang and emotion but it is coming from a real place. Along with the black woman's emotion, there is a sensed historical explanation, depth and an understanding of the psychology that is behind our issues with interracial dating when we express ourselves. It is hard to argue against that. That also goes for the black men who feel same.

[--black on black]

JUST REMEBER THIS ALL BLACK MEN COME FROM A BLACKWOMEN .. DONT FORGET IT! IT ALWAYS THERE , GOING TO BE THERE AND BLACK DSNT GO AWAY.. iT'S GOING TO BE IN YOUR KIDS AND IN YOUR FUTURE..

[Idris]

Black women continue to argue about this "interracial dating" issues from an "emotional" perspective rather than a reality one. Black women have created this myth that, "white women are taking all the good black men and all the good black men are locked in prison, unemployed, homosexual, down low syndrome, etc...." We know the myths that are said about us by OUR BLACK WOMEN. Most of the black stereotypes are propagated by blacks themselves. From our music, books, literature, TV shows, videos, and magazines blacks promote a marginal and pathological image of themselves to the global community. Whites aren't doing this, blacks are creating these images and accepting them as "Truths" like the blockbuster movie Precious which was promoted by Oprah Winfrey and Tyler Perry.

Maggie, interracial dating and marriages are a small percentage in this country and you're wasting your time even discussing this issue. Interracial marriages only account for 7% of married black men. What black women need to focus on is the health crisis among black women in our community where 70% of black women are overweight and 50% are obese. I think we need to focus on this issue rather than a tiny percentage of interracial dating.

[Maggie]

I am a newly relocated younger black female from the east coast and the IR dating seems to be out of balance. Can these racially-blind, kuumbayah people tell me what other race of people do this??? I understand that people will mix in this world but here in Arizona, the droves of black men going to white women has nothing to do with love most of the time. If you ask a black man why he dates white women, his initial comments will be about his problem with the black woman. So white women need to understand that the black man has thought about his own before coming your way. Interracial dating brings a lot of discussion amongst black people like our historical challenges that seem to be staying firm and repeated. So sorry to say to white women posting on here but it seems that all you have to add to the discussion is how you and your black man has a great relationship. Every non-black woman dating a black man has the same thing to say on a blog. How does that add to the self-esteem dialogue that black people bring up when we are talking about interracial dating? How does it challenge racial identity and the intimate relationships between black men and women that have been manipulated and destroyed since slavery? Do you know when black men and women are talking about this, we are bringing up psychological damage? And your black man may be with you for this reason. It is almost insulting that you come on black websites and say the same thing about your wonderful relationship. How great you have it with a black man has no insight to what black people are talking about when it comes to interracial issues. There is no depth, no wisdom to what you are saying. There is nothing profound to black people when you say you have a great relationship with a black man. We all know it is possible. Have you and your black man discussed race issues and your limitations in understanding what problems black people face because of their color? Dating a black man doesn't give you 100% say or insight into the challenges of black people and never will. These problems can be lengthy and complex in nature. And the chaos spans from Africa all the way westward to the Americas to this day. This is one area black women and black men need to work out. No European-American validation is needed or necessary.

[Sabrina Smith]

Thank you for your comments about dating problems in Phoenix, AZ. I love living here in Phoenix, AZ but for single black women is it very hard. I try to be open-minded but it really hard here. If anybody has any comments how nice black single sista who new to area can just meet simple brotha in the area please let me.

[westcoastbound]

Sabrina, I dont think its just Arizona...it's everywhere....I am in Charlotte, North Carolina and it's no better here.....As a potential relocator to the greater PHoenix area....I have been doing research.......African American men are scarce to the area....I honestly think that you have to be comfortable with being single to live in Phoenix.....Look at the bright side..you are centrally located... you can drive to Vegas/Angeles/San Diego to meet men if it' not happening for you in Phoenix......Wish I could say the same living in B-O-R-I-N-G Charlotte.....

[Sabrina Smith]

The dating arena is horrible for black women in Arizona. I been here for over year and black men don't talk to sista. I went to Warren Jazz Bistro tonight and all the black men just pass up nice looking sista for white women. It is really hard for black women to meeting black man in Arizona. Any comments from sista from back eastcoast where you don;t have this problems. Where can you meet black man in Arizona?

[Courtney]

I am a single black male who believes that a black man or woman should uphold the integrity of his race by dating and marrying one of his kind. I believe that many black women and men date outside of there race because there looking for something that has been there all along,within there own race. I have researched many articles and the same responses continue to come up as reasons for interracial dating. "There are not enough black man available,black men are not goal oriented and do not want anything out of life. On the flip side of the coin black man say,"black women don't give them any support,money hungry and have bad attitudes. This is nonsense,and is a cope out.

I love my black people first and foremost and I love my black sista's

I have not met the woman of my dreams yet,but I am patient and will wait for her.

[Ronda]

Wow,I cannot believe this topic is still going strong 3 years later!! I love it.R

[Efua Edge]

First and foremost the option to marry outside of your ethnic race should not be an option. I say this My mama is Black my daddy is Black Their Black Love created this Black beauty that you see. So I'm gonna reserve myself for another Black beauty like me and create some moreBlack beauties like me. Don 't let the fear of "loniness " rush you in to dating outside your race. Too often we listen to the radio, watch movies and tv,and listen to our fearful friends and decide that we are doing something wrong. Live your life. Love you and all that is like you. Your natural and real mate is waiting. Explore yourself determine the real you and avoid making judgements on our Brothers hell I took a major paycut to come here and many of the men I have met are here or below. They were pretty great. There's even a special one that I am dating that i would not mind if it were to become a long term life committment. BE PATIENT and KNOW YOU

[Alexa]

Never mistake kindness for weakness...two different things!! This is for those of you who feel white women are too easy...doormats. Being drama free and kind are qualities that are good and should be desired. But make no mistake, I am not weak.

- A White Woman

[Idris]

Hey Kendra, the 60% of black women that will never marry is mostly by choice. Most black women I talk to say, "I don't need a man." So I think it's an exaggeration to say that black women are seeking marraige in great numbers. Most black women have this "fairytale" notion that black women are somehow "superior" to other women of other ethnicities and they believe that white women are taking something from them i.e. the black man when there is no statistical data to support these claims.

According, to the latest statics I've read, in 2006 nearly 4 million black men married black women. Only 6.6 married white women so over 93% of black men married a black women or a women of color. The truth is over 95% of black people marry other blacks. This notion that black men are deserting the black women for white women is TOTAL NONSENSE and this LIE is being propagated by BLACK WOMEN.

[Franzettia]

Reading these comments,reflects the way that I feel. This is a very strange place, I have been here for 7 months, and the black women seem intimiated by other black women, the friendliness leaves much to be desired. Why are we so up tight?, what do we fear from each other, lets get rid of the hating, It's not just young women, but older too! We are very few and in between, so as the statements of Rodney King, can we all just get along! It's ok to smile and say hello!, whats so difficult about that. We can embrace every other culture but out own. I don't mean to sound negative, but it saddens me to to see us treat each other this say. I am from the midwest its bad there too! But this place takes the lead. And the men (not all) they won't even look at a sister! They will turn their heads when she comes in their direction. I am not looking for anyone, but I would at least like to be acknowledge in public.I can see why many say they will leave here.Lets all show a little more LOVE, we all need it!!!!!!!!!!

[Sherry]

Wow...where do I start? I came across this site as I was looking for avenues for outreach and education to potential consumers for a great opportunity. What I found is confirmation that racism still exists in 2009. This made my blood boil. I couldn't NOT comment.

I am a strong, smart (degreed/2-job working), attractive white woman who happens to be dating an incredible black man. Do you dislike me for that reason alone? Or think that I am "docile and easy to control"? My boyfriend would respectfully disagree with you. He does, however, know that I offer him unconditional support and love in these times that are difficult for everybody. We have been through a lot together in the last four years and God willing, we will go though a lot in the future as well. We love each other not for the color of our skin, but for how amazingly we complement each other in life on *every* level. Isn't that what we as HUMANS wish for? To be loved, respected and supported; to have a partner who makes us strive to be a better person...that is priceless. When you find it, you don't disregard it because of race, ethnicity or nationality. At least, I hope you wouldn't participate in that kind of ignorance.

@Dominique: I know plenty of women of ALL races who you might consider "docile and easy to control." I also know plenty of white women who are strong and independent.

@Ray: I *do not* have tanned skin, injected lips, hips OR unnatural breasts. And as for your "strong black man", President Barack Obama? His mother was a white woman. And the answer to your next question? Yes, I voted for him and am proud to call him our President.

In the words of Katt Williams, I'll just let the haters do their job. Sticks and stones...

[Kendra]

It is what it is..ok..I'll take that..but like Michael Jackson said, "I'm starting with the man in the mirror"..(I wonder who he really saw as he looked in the mirror through many faces)..RIP Michael, I love you anyway...but THIS is where our black brothas need to start and begin what is known as self-reflection and embracing the beauty of blackness and culture. The beauty of soul searching and seeing the beauty in a beautiful black woman. The black women that are "angry", are the ones that are still dealing with the self-esteem issue birthed from years of oppression and generational curses. That "anger" is a vicious cycle that takes years of patience and determination to break. I empower these so called "angry" black women everyday, and it saddens me, as an attractive, doctorate level, intelligent, patient, black woman, the black men that are supposed to catch these women when they fall are no where to be found. I have to fight for who I am, and who I stand for, everyday, because of my black skin. I will continue to fight until the day I die. Why is it that our black men have the highest rate of interracial dating? Why?? No other race will even think about dating other women besides their own. The respect for their women is evident.There is nothing wrong with a black woman, its just that a particular race prefers and respects their own. Just like you won't see a lion pursuing a wolf. Its just not happening. Interracial dating was the thing to do as society apologized for unequal treatment. Society felt that allowing us to date outside our race, would excuse the fact that our country was guilty of discrimination. I won't go there, but I will go here. Statistics show that 60% of black women will be single. Even with this being true, to my black sisters, live your life, and don't let this deter you from pursuing what God has for you. Yes, love is color blind, but the richness of soul connections are not. Black men and white women have began to even look down and "snarl" at black women, as to say, "who are you and why". Black men how dare you deny us and who we are. How dare you deny yourselves. Its sad. Its not about just dating outside your race, its about the fact that you haven't looked deeped within to accept who you are and where you're going. We are not angry, we just don't understand. We will always love you and care for you. The black woman is that strong woman who takes care of households, that virtuous woman that gives herself to others. As we did in the past, during slavery, we will continue to be that strong woman even if we don't get the recognition. To the Black men who think dating outside your race defines you,to the ones who feel this isn't a problem for our culture, as a race of people, for mothers and wives, for our little black children who will have to fight as we did, look in the mirror, and make sure there are no streaks....Cheers to Black Love~

[Amber Johnson]

Wow, I have lived here in the valley for a year now. I am here for school. I relocated from the Midwest. It was nice to read a lot of the statements posted here. I though that I was alone in feeling like this place is completely different than everywhere else in the world. I thought I was the only one who noticed that we do not speak to one another. There is nothing wrong with interracial dating, the problem comes when you exclude your own race from the dating pool. Very sad. Anyhoo, once I am done I will probably move back because this place is for the birds.

[eee]

Some of you are taking this just a little too far. It might even offend our current president if he read it. This is the 21st century, we should be beyound that mixed child insult. All men a created equal! How would you feel if a white man said he didn't like black men because they are dating white women? Things change, so you have to adjust accordingly.

[duneya]

To each his own, but for those who date non-blacks exclusively, what do you say to your black mother, sister(s), and (eventually) daughters? Eventhough the child is mixed, she'd still be considered black. Do you tell them that you aren't as good as a non-black woman? When your daughter is told by another black man, who thinks similarly to you, what will you tell her?
Just curious.

[Idris]

Dominque you can't make a blanket statement on all white women who you say are "docile and easy to control." I know some blank women who are "docile and easy to control" so when you make such generalizations, your argument has very little merit. However, I'm glad that you have found a black women who's your best friend and mate.

Black people like all other people date or marry outside their race for a varity of reasons and not because they are "intimidated" by someone's material possessions or wealth. Again, I would argue that most of our stereotypes are perpetuated by us i.e. black folks.

I believe that "Queenship" is earned like most things in life. I can't nominate all black women to "Queenship" because many have not exemplify this status as well as black men exemplifying "Kingship." Until we return to our "indigenous self/culture" can we take on these labels.

[Dominque]

Nowadays,in my opinion, a lot of brothers date white women because they are docile and easy to control. A lot of black men, because of their insecurites, fears and overall weaknesses, have become intimiated by the strength of our black women. We are afraid that our women will be more successful than us, make more money than us, drive nicer cars and own bigger homes. Because of this fear, many black men look for a more docile women. Someone they can control. It is because of the black women's strength,elegance, power, love and beauty that I can never date anyone except my black Queens. I'm dating a black women who is my best friend, and understands my struggles. Bruce, strictly interacial dater, Kareema you can keep your tan skin, injected lips, hips and unnatural breast white women.

[SHAUNI-MARIE]

MS.LONGBEACH...I JUST MOVED TO PHOENIX 3 MONTHS AGO FROM LONG BEACHA ND I AM HAVING THE SAME PROBLEM..LOL EMAIL ME AT SHAUNIMARIE@TMAIL.COM IF YOU FOUND SOME COO KICK IT/CLUB SOPTS OR WANNA HANG OUT WITH SOMEONE FORM LONGBEACH..AND ITS FUNNY THATS ACTUALLY 1 OF MY SCREEN NAMES (MSLONGBEACH)

[Ray]

I'm *not* from Arizona but am dating a fine Blackwoman who is from Phoenix. She refused to compromise with the slave mentality of "I'm expanding my horizons" so I date white men/women" She's been telling me about the pathetic "brothas" in Phoenix like Bruce who reject the images of the mothers, grandmothers, sisters and aunts for "Miss Six o'clock" (think about it). It's a shame that Blackmen and Blackwomen in Arizona don't understand that the way you kill a race is to get rid of the men (prison, drugs, dating white women) and marry the women.

In the land of John McCain, Barack Obama proves that a strong Blackman is even stronger with a strong Blackwoman. Date your white women "Brothas". Me? I'll take an African queen any day or any time.

[Idris]

I'm happy for you Ms. Long Beach and I'm happy that the white man has solved your problems. Maybe you can get some of your "unhappy and miserable sistas" a white man and he can solve their problems too.

[ms.longbeach]

I just move to arizona two months ago.The only guy that had enough courage to approach me was white. African American men date outside there race all the time. I believe its time for our sistas to explore other options. Im glad that I came to a place where interacial dating is more acceptable. I came from a family full of women,and it seems that all there men have the same issues; cheating jail cant find a job and babymomma drama. Im currently dating a white man and I love it my life is drama free.

[Ebony]

I recently moved here about 4 months ago and find the dating scene extrememly frustrating. I've meet a couple of African men but find them alittle controlling. The American men are too damn soft for me here. Then the ones that I do find attractive seem to think that the white women are better than us.
My friends and I go out frequently but the guys only talk to our white homegirl. It pisses me off because of the attitude behind it not because she's white. Now I find myself sneaking off without them because I view them as competition. So I go to the Southside often because I be missing black people so much and the roughnecks over there is the type of men I prefer. I need a men that is harder than me because I know I can be quite aggressive. Anyways I'm not use to this. In Michigan, it was all about attraction not your credit. I think honestly these guys can't handle us unless we go with the flow which I refuse to do.

[poetic girl]

Where to start?

I'm not going to take up too much time but I am originally from the mid-west and have been in AZ for about 8 years now. I've tried dating but for one reason or the other, it didn't work out. I'm not neccessarily looking for a man right now because I feel I have more priority things I need to accomplish but I also will not push a good thing away if it happens to come.

When I was dating, I wasn't looking for a significant other at that time. It was just companionship pretty much. I meet guys when I go out. It doesn't have to be a club but random places. Gas station, restaurant, work, lounge, ect. I don't go to these places just to meet guys but sometimes that's how things work out.

Now honestly, being black and single looking for love in the valley, can be a hit or miss. It all depends on if you have an open mind.
I mean DAMN!!! When I moved here, I had to have an open mind. Not speaking just about the dating scene but people here are open minded to just about anything. DRUGS, SEX LIFE AND MORE.
Now back to the black and love in the valley. I truly think that it is possible. I don't know that many black couples who met here but I know a few and they are happily in love. I think that alot of Black women just have to be open. Don't be so picky about who you date. Don't get me wrong though because you difinitely don't want to settle for anything. I'm basically just saying to give a guy a chance. You never know, he may be your knight in shinning armor!

Now, I've talked to a few guys outside of my race and it was actually pretty cool. I find myself noticing that I am very attracted to guys outside of my race. Don't get me wrong, I am attracted to black guys too but am open to new possibilities.

I really can't be too sure why there are so many interracial couples here in AZ. I honestly think that you have some that are truly in love and it was not something they planned. Meaning they didn't purposly date outside there race. They just fell in love. Then you have those who purposly date outside there race. WHY? I don't know. I don't think any of us will ever know. Only that person can tell you. They have either had bad experiences with one race, find one race more attractive or connects with them more, or maybe they are bitter and have problems with self-hate. Whatever the reason is, I don't dwell on it. I feel like whoever GOD has placed in this world for me, he'll also lead to me when the time is right. Whether I have a destined soulmate or not, I will be 'A' ok and continue to live my life.

[karmel0613]

Men (all races) are going to be with whoever puts up with their ish!...maybe its better that the "bunny brothas" are with the bunnies...they are probably doing stuff I wouldn't want to bother dealing with anyway!...When I first moved back here (April 2007) I was quite disappointed with things I felt had not changed in the 3 yrs I was gone...after some soul searching and praying tho, I came to this conclusion: I will not be able to attract the type of man I want until I am complete and content with who I am. If this means not meeting someone until I finish school and move away again, then so be it...they might interfere with my grades and focus anyway!...being a single mother doesn't always help but I NEVER lose any sleep at night over NOT having a man!...God will put the right one in my life-not me, not my friends or my friends...only God

[Skyler]

You're right, Arizona is not the only state to live in, (THANK GOD) I'm aware of that, but I have a year and a half left before I get outta here, and I would love to make the best of it. Maybe I didn't clarify earlier, but I never said it was all bothas, because you're right, it's not, and I'm absolutely not one of those ladies who think that way. I know there are nice guys out there, that's why I'm still looking. I admit, being where I was from, I was totally ignorant to the situation here, and totally underestimated it. I knew there weren't many of us here, but somehow I thought that it would make us more tight knit here, instead of what it really is. I just didn't know any different. And yes, I'm going to continue to complain!! No only because I can, but because I actually am one of the single sistahs who do is something about her situation. I actually do particiapte in local groups in the area, I try to stay active as much as possible, and I even date online. So no, I'm not starving over here, I've got my mouth wide open, and I'm ready to get fed! I think it's important for you not to generalize and assume my situation just because I say I'm not happy with the dating scene here in Phoenix.

[Lady L]

I don’t understand why the single sistas are consistently complaining about the dating pool and don’t do anything about it. Arizona is not the only place to live in this country/world of ours. If you have a solid education or solid career experience and I’m hearing that a lot of you do and don’t have children…why don’t you move if you are not happy? I have two more years for my son to graduate from high school and once he’s off to college then I’m out of here…my bags have been packed for the last year! The world is available to you! Can you imagine if you moved out of the country or to the state next door what your potential is?

I think the best way to meet someone to date is through people you know…I let people I know that I’m single and I’m looking and if they know someone they may feel I would be compatible with then hook it up.

I’m hearing a lot of us are not club-goers or do the bar thing, but we need to be more creative. Ladies don’t be afraid to approach men if you are attracted to them…men love it and get a kick out of it. You’ve heard the saying “a closed mouth don’t get fed”. And I will always quote my favorite lady…Oprah that said “they ain’t gonna fall through your roof”. So get out the house, get from in front of the TV. Join a hiking, biking, yoga, fitness, film, painting, rock climbing, scuba diving, book group. Get involved in activities that you have an interest in…you just never know who you’ll meet that have similar interests as you. In addition these people that are apart of these groups just may know someone that would be interested in meeting you.

Complaining is only going to get you so far…lonely…period! And as far as not dating outside of your race, you are in the wrong state! If you like it here, then be open to changing your mindset and get to dating and enjoying life. If you can’t hang with that, then move…there are how many other states to live in? How many countries?

So what if the brothas ain’t checking for us…and it’s not all brothas…I just met one the other day that totally knocked me off my feet with his approach…yes we did exchange numbers!

It just may be a blessing in disguise that the one particular brotha with the bunny isn’t interested in us. Let’s quick doggin each other and move on…life is too short. Enjoy every moment that we are allowed to remain on this earth breathing!

[dbrowsers]

I think the problem here like most places around the country as regards to interracial dating, is purely one of economics. Black men are on the bottom of the economic totem pole period. The sytematic war to keep them in poverty is a castigating experience, so they are left without a true dignity that allows them to experience their full manhood and pride. The whole thug mentality is smoke and mirrors resulting from a lack of knowledge of our history and how we were kept ignorant, abused and miseducated for centuries. The educational system today is still laced with racist policies that prevent the black male from reaching his full potential intellectually. Instead of teaching them how to think critically by analyzing the information fed to them, they are left without the proper skills to cope. Most subcumb to the streets and drug culture that leads to crime and punishment. Take a look at the last forty years of this countries history. It has been estimated that over 1.3 million black men have killed each other over drugs and petty grievances and millions of others have been subjected to racial hostilities by the white ruling class authorities with incarceration, not to mention the effects of redlining, voter suppression, denial of scholarship and opportunity in the work force, even after they have laced up their bootstraps. This is not something that does not affect the psyche of a group of men who want to be loved and respected. Must we rise up and bear arms against tyranny or lay down and die? Did'nt Patrick Henry say, "give me liberty or death"? You see "the fear of men is a snare" and the cowardly ruling class has kept Black America in fear. Until you release those fears and give them to God, your freedom and peace will always be undermined by the viciousness of the evil folks who think that they are supreme. When the brothers start to study and read more to learn about how their forefathers fought and died for their sanity and their families economic well-being, then and only then, will they began to appreciate the beauty and intelligence of our black women. Until then, most think that the only way to survive is to get their so-called revenge by chasing them Scarlet O'Hara's.

[Skyler]

I thought the pool was shallow at home (South Carolina), but Phoenix is as dry as it gets. I'd never had problems finding dates at home, so I figured it wouldn't be THAT much of a difference here. I mean, Why would it be? I'm educated, no kids, and happen to think I'm pretty good looking. Wow! Did I find out the hard way! I've actually never really had a problem with the interracial dating thing with the brothas, until I moved here. It is so in your face, but even that doesn't bother me so much. It's the attitude behind it, and that gets under my skin. The sheer ugliness towards black women and self hate is something I had never encountered before moving here. But I've seen a lot of sistahs getting in on the interracial action too, and good for them, but that's just not for me. For me, it's something I just don't want, I'm just not attracted to white men. I've actually tried to date out of my race, and couldn't follow through with it. It just is not in me, and you can't make yourself be attracted to someone when you're not. So even though the brothas don't seem to have love for me out here, that's ok, I still got love for ya'll anyway. And if that means I have to be by myself for a while, then so be it. I'm starting to accept the fact that unfortunately, that just the way it is out here. I'm not happy with it, but I realize I have to deal with it for the moment.

[PhxSoul]

Kareema, Good luck with your new life in Florida. And I appreciate your concern but nothing is wrong with PhxSoul.com. Your Previous Comments were posted on March 5, but I can see where you might have gotten confused.

I know life is tough for single black women in the Phoenix area. We do have to keep in mind that most black men in the Phoenix area have moved here from other parts of the country. Many of these black men see opportunities for love with women of other races and they jump all over it (forgive the pun). Believe it or not, there are a lot of black women in the Phoenix area who are swimmin' in the interracial pool too!

It's clear to me that Phoenix has become a place where people are EXTREMELY OPEN-MINDED when it comes to LOVE. I think people should be free to love who they want to love. However, I hope black people who choose to date interracially can maintain a STRONG SENSE OF PRIDE IN THEIR RACE at the same time.

[Kareema]

I need to set the record straight. The comments dated march 10,2008 attributed to idris are my comments. Phx Soul you might want to check previous posts because something is out of wack. As much as I have enjoyed this forum it will probably be my last. I am getting married and moving back to Florida. having said that I think my personal situatuion is very reflective of a lot of the problems out here with regard to dating. This is a strange place for a Black woman who are single. My advice to my sistas is to stay positive and focused on your goals. I hate to be negative but I have spoken to others and just from what I have read here dating in Phoenix is not so good if you are not willing to go outside of your race. I have stopped trying to figure it out. All I know is I traveled 2,000 miles from here two or three times I connected with a wonderful Black man and next year I will be married. The one thing I can definitely say about Black men outside of Phoenix is they are very decisive, they see what they want and go after it. They are not afraid of rejection and project confidence and Power. My personal opinion is that a lot of these men here are just lame, they are so used to being pursued by bunnies of all colors full of Jungle fever that they just let strong, beautiful, black women walk right past them. I know I was one of them.

[eee]

I'm surprised there haven't been that many responses from the ladies. Thats what I want to read.
I'm far from perfect but I consider myself a nice, well educated, young brother with a very good job and respects women, but I don't seem to be able to impress the black women. Maybe because I'm not the flashy type to be driving a new BMW. I dress professional most of the time. I also have a humble personality. Maybe the problem is that some women see humbleness as a sign of weakness. However, a guy like me wont be doing this good in his career at such a young age if he was weak.
I have also noticed that black women are more likely to be players than other ethnicities and I think that might be due to their own experiences and fear of getting hurt. Physically, there is nothing more attractive than a fine black women. I wish I can find one with a matching personality who is attracted to a brother like me. In the mean time, I won't say no to other sisters from other racial backgrounds.

[Jason]

kareema, she needs to get with a real brotha! She has not been with one yet! That's too bad! Start dating white guys sista!

[J@yahoo.com]

I want a nice white girl. Black is Wack!

[One of the few...]

I'm not one to normally chime in on discussions but this I must comment on. I am a female from the Mid-West and have been in AZ for 3 years. I am still perplexed by the culture. I grew up in a predominately white town but the few blacks there had been there for several generations and we had definite roots. Most our families are originally from the south so our culture is very "Southern inspired". There was a great deal of unity among us and good racial relations with the whites. That said, I learned how to co-exist in harmony with other races while maintaining a strong sense of black identity. Now, Phoenix. Wow. I can say that I have met some very "nice" people here, but not ONE guy that I'd date "again". That is, I have had several "one-dates". I try to go into each one with an open mind but gosh, I find myself just not being able to do it again. I am not one to "play the game", so if there's no connection, that's it for me. Am I picky? Yes, but not unreasonably so. I've been out with that guy who grew up in North Phoenix around all white people, has all white friends, and is very entrenched into white culture. I've been out with the guy who grew up in East Phoenix who went to school with all black and Hispanics, has all black friends, and is very entrenched in... I'm not sure actually; and every thing in between. The bottom line is, I have yet to meet a laid-back brotha (that is, not the wanna-be thug type, but not the wanna-be white-boy type), who is actually pursuing his goals, knows how to talk to a woman, and has listened to Al Green before!! It would help if he dressed well (not jeans 2 sizes too big with some "Ones") and didn't have "gettin' some" on his brain 24 hours a day!! Sorry... that was a written rant. My bad. Anywho, those are my thoughts.

Oh, and I should mention that I've never dated a non-black man nor have I ever had the interest. There is something very beautiful and powerful about black men... at least the black men I am used to. I don't know if my experience has been a Phoenix-thing or if I just haven't been meeting the right kinds of men.

[D]

I just want to know where can I go to meet a decent, single/divorced, professional back woman? I've been in Phoenix for 4 months and have not come across any spots. I'm not into the clubs or bar scene so there must be other venues out here.

I love my sistahs but it would sure be nice if I could find one!

[Dee]

Kareema are you serious? Thanks for reminding that internal racism, self hatred and sterotypes exist.

[Bruce]

It's good to be back PHXSOUL. I'm glad life still love ya.

Thank you Kareema, I don't think I could have said it better.

Depending on where, how and when you got that "slap the black off you" upbringing, you had to be adaptable.

My story, raised In AZ by blacks. My neighbors, black. I education thru high school, black. My college, as white as white bread!

Now, we all know it's easier to catch bees with honey than salt. My black upbringing would not have help me get through college had I not been able to adapt in this new white America that might become my future.

My Grandma always said, "you can learn much from dem white folk". You see, I had a little attitude problem wit white boys. But, I soon learned what mama was talking about and decided to get to know anyone that had knowledge that would benefit me. Here in lies my unknowing problem.

Da sistas, thought I was a SELL-OUT. I still dated sistas and hung out with boy boys, but now had white friends. My time was shared with both blacks and whites (not to speak of my Latino's).

Now I'm the one that's not black enough. That was so funny but yet it pissed me off. My people that I grew up with, who say what I saw. They now don't see what I see.

I looked at it as an opportunity to open my horizons to new thing and to let go of some bad things. Not all the "so called friends" that I lost troubled me, okay maybe 1 or 2 did. It felt good to know who your friends really are.

So Polli, no matter what, sometimes it's NOT ENOUGH and NOT BLACK ENOUGH!
I have, for many years, worn faces to fit in or be accepted. Many doors have opened for me because of this. Many doors would have never opened had I still been that brotha from the hood that didn't couldn't change.
I love being that brotha from the hood though, but only a few know that.
Date whom ever your heart desires. Mine just happens to love da sistas.

[Ash]

I have actually seen a great increase in black couples lately and I live in Glendale! Perhaps there is hope yet since some of us out here in the dating scene have gotten it together somehow. The subject of dating black women and men always brings up horrible stereotypes (by us) on both ends. I think as we open our minds and release the negative stereotypes we have of each other individually, there will be even more black couples hand in hand throughout Phoenix. When I go out (which is rare these days), I just FOCUS on being the baddest woman in the room regardless of color (and not on the bunny chasers) and I attract all types of men including rich white men (which by the way sistas, pisses a lot of bunnies off, it is hilarious). Personally, I am not open to interracial dating and will continue to stand ground until the right brother and I cross paths but until then I just handle my business and don't focus too much energy on meeting someone or the negative aspects of dating in Phoenix. I realized that if I am a great sister who is laid back and fun to be around then there is a brother just the same out here for me regardless of the negative feedback I get (through word of mouth or what I've personally seen) of how SOME brothers are out here. Also I realized that I had to truly think about the type of man I want to attract and the type I don't and to hang out at places where the "pickins" (lol) are more to my taste. I would recommend that to black men who ARE interested in dating sisters but have run into women who may have negative attributes to do the same. Depending on your taste, places like the theatre, jazz festivals, open mic poetry readings, professional group meetings, etc. MAY bring about the type of sister you would like to get to know (the dating scene is new to me so I'm no expert). As far as black people not speaking (both brothers and sisters) out here, I take it upon myself to speak to everyone with a big cheesy smile; if they choose to act ugly and not respond that's on them, I don't allow them to get me down. I love black people and always will!

Peace & Blessings!

[Idris]

Yes, Phoenix is a very strange place indeed. I've been here for 3 years and still haven't adjusted to the "culture" out here. I'm from Detroit and I thought self hatred was bad there but I never seen anything like Phoenix. You see black people out in public and they will not speak. I find that puzzling since we are only 5% of the population. As for the dating scene in Phoenix, I can understand why so many brothers date "outside" their race because the sister's attitudes are so negative. Now, that's an excuse but no one wants to be in a relationship with all that negative energy. Black women have always stereotyped black men and I guess allot of brothers are fed up with it. Black women have only themselves to blame. I don't believe in all this fantasy about the "Strong Black Women Syndrome" where the black women has always "carried" the black man on her back. And the black man has done nothing to sustain the black family. What ever we've done good or bad, we're equally guilty for this mess we're in. LETS GET OUR ACT TOGETHER!!!!

[Kareema]

This is a very good thread. I want to respond to Polli and Bruce and also the posts from 2007. As an American first and a black person second we go through a lot of both cultural and environmental pressure. It is hard to just be yourself. I have become chameleon like and it works for me. I am biracial and fit in easily with whites or blacks but I have learned to speak the language that is spoken in whichever group I find myself. It's like the old cliche' when in rome do as the Romans do. I have never had a problem accepting another person regardles of their speech or dress but I am observant and people discriminate easily. I personally don't beleive there is sucha thing as black enough.I speak perfect kings english, but if you take me there that ghetto sista is comming out. I have learned to love all that this country has given me from both a white and a black perspective. As for all the drama between black men and women right now I don't really understand it. I hear what the brothas are saying, but to just give up totally on black women is a mistake. There are a lot of triflin people out in this world and they are not all wearing weave. Sistas are so frustrated with not being able to be accepted in their natural state that sure they add hair because they think thats what a man wants. Especially since they are so busy chasing white, latino, and asian women who are born with long silky hair. I think our priorities are off on both sides. Women of other races want black men because they buy into the myth of what a black man has, you know what I mean. I was just dating a brotha who was deep in snow bunny land. I have to keep it real here, brotha was no mandingo, just an average guy, but he couldn't figure out why the white girls kept losing interest. Too make a long story short, he raved about what a good woman I was , and how I had so much to offer, but it didn't stop him from bunny chasin. I am not bitter. Phoenix is a strange place to meet black people and a stranger place to try and meet a black man. I come from the South Side of Chicago where men treat all sistas like queens.Black Men here won't even give you so much as eye contact so you can be polite and friendly. As for the thug syndrome that most sistas inevitably go through, its ususually that street brotha who gives you love, he dont care if you are a little overweight, or you have a few kids, or that your hair is not long and silky, he's looking for that around the way girl. True he is not always the best choice because he himself is confused and makin bad choices, but in the end everybody wants to love and be loved and it is not always gonna be perfect. And a message for all those interracial daters out there, when your cute little exotic snow bunny or latina hits past 35 and everything starts crackin and expanding dont forget how forgiving black women can be cause good black dont crack, it's why Angela Basset, and halle Berry, and all our older sistas are still fine.

[Polli]

This is a response to Bruce, regarding his comment about not being "black Enough!" What if the tables were turned, the rejection were toward the "sistah's!" not being "Black Enough!" I hear where your coming from, the well educated, well spoken, brought up right by your Both Parents in the home, Home grown... "Child!" Can't seem to catch the breaks and meet the "right type of match" Why is it that we as a people have to be "Enough" of a certain type of ingredient to identify with? are we watching to many music videos!! Do you have to be a "Thug" or a "Ho" to be Likeable, fit the mold? What ever happened to good old fashion Love at first site, Romance, Friendships being built on fun and good times... and see what comes of it from there... why does it have to be about "Enough of "?" " I'm a Black Woman when you look at me, but as soon as I speak to you, if you where to close your eyes, you would not know it. I was adopted at the age of three into a white family, I am know 41. even my kids think I am not Black enough, what is that all about? I did not raise them that way, society has such an impact on us!! We need to step back and be Thankful for who we are!! and be for those of you out there that are being that picky, be Thakful that anyone would would even take the time to even look at you.

[Bruce]

Ronda, you're never too late to add something that has value.

Rhonda you've said something's that have been on the minds of many people (at least from my view. Strictly, I'm sure you'll feel me on this one).

Ladies, why do you complain about the lack of good Black men in AZ but yet you reject us because we don't fit your image? WHY? WHY? WHY?

I've been rejected by Black women and have later found out that one of the reason was because I wasn't, no let me re-phase, it was because I didn't appear to be Black enough.

Mama always said don't judge a book by it's cover.

Some of us make a choice to be more mindful and respectful. We don't forget who we are but we choose to be more than what we were.

I was told after dating this Black woman for about 2 weeks that I sound and act WHITE. She had a teenager that thought I was white, at least over the phone. This was very VERY entertaining to me because I grew up in the hood and had never really had any association with White America until I went to college.

But she continued to ask me if I ever dated a Black woman before and some other shallow stuff! At this point in our relationship I just played it cool and said that I had dated Black women before.

I later found out that she had never dated a man like me before. Not that I'm special but more less different.

Anyways, she was probably going to kick me to da curb if it wasn't for DA PARTY!

I invited her to one of my boys parties (I new this would blow her mind because she really didn't believe I was Black enough for her).

On our way home she told me that I'm black enough. I guess she saw me in a Black enough environment.

To make a long story even longer I'll say this. An educated Black man, driving a nice car and speaks good english is deemed undesirable to some Black women. These are some of the good Black men that get tired of rejection and decides to date outside of his race.

Now, to the ladies that do recognize and respect these great strong Black man qualities you have my (and many other Black men) utmost respect you beautiful Nubian Queens.

I aint thru but I gotta get outta here. I'll be back to finish my thoughts.

I hope all are enjoying this blessed time of the year.

[Ronda- PBP]

I know I am a little late here, but I am always willling to put in my two cents ;D I want to start by saying that I agree with Strictly about Black women rejecting Brothas so often that it makes them run into the arms of a White woman. If I were a man who has had to worry about getting dissed everytime I approach a woman, I would probably go for the White girl too. I have said it before, and I will say it again- This is not the Midwest, East Coast or the South! I think people move out here and expect things to be just like their hometown. Everyone handles culture shock differently. I was lucky enough to be a Navy Brat, so I have always been attracted to all races of men. Unfortunately, many of the women who complain about not being able to find any Black men in Phoenix are unable to do what they need to in order to get a Black man. In our hometowns, all we have to do to get a man is show up and look cute.It takes a lot more effort in a city with much more competition. I have tried explaining to many of my Sistas that they need to stop frowning, say hello when they see a nice Brotha. It never sinks in because the chip on the shoulder is just too big for many of them. As far I am concerned, I am single and looking for sure! I never have a problem meeting men. I go out on dates all the time. The problem that I have is that I am just not having the chemistry i'd like to have with my dates :( I think one of the problems with dating in Phoenix is that there are too many choices. Since we are in the 5th largest city, and it is filled with a lot of beautiful, successful people, it takes that much longer to find the one you like.

[Strictly Interracial Dater]

What up Bruce and Phxsoul. I definitely agree 100% with you. You definitely cannot judge someone by mistakes made when they are younger, but that still does not mean that karma won't rise its ugly head. I think my issue (as well as many other brothas) is that we live in a country that does not like us anyway. And to top that off, we are hated by our own kind because we are not thuggish, we do not subhere to hip hop culture, ambitious, hardworking, etc. As a black man, you have to be that in order to get anything in life. We don't have the option to just be cool if we want anything in life. This creates a very very lonely existence for a lot of brothas (because we are hated for being black by others and we are hated by our own for being hardworking) and I am very thankful to God that I had my art skills, and my other hobbies to keep me from killing myself because I was NOT liked at all when I was a child. I am also greatful that it forced me to strengthen my character and I was completely immune to peer pressure because I did not have freinds to impress anyway. With all that said, when a man grows up being consistently ignored by his so called own people, he looks at women much more differently than your average fella. Most black women don't get this because they have not had to approach the object of their affection. This is one of the many disconnects that is present. Also, I just want to say thanks Phxsoul and Bruce for at least understanding where I am coming from.

I will return soon.
Peace out

[PhxSoul]

Amen to everything you said Bruce! I hope other brothas in Arizona and in the U.S. can benefit from your wisdom. I try not to judge anyone for the mistakes they made when they were younger because life is a learning process. As we get older, we tend to consider those learned lessons when dealing with future opportunities!

And I'm definitely glad that Strictly jumped online to share his thoughts.

Even though I'm sure most black women won't like what Strictly had to say, the bottom line is that there is a growing number of brothas in the Valley who share his thoughts.

Dating in Arizona is VERY hard so if you're lucky to find true love with a woman who's black, white, brown, green or orange, I say go for it! Don't let color get in the way!