Make A Fresh Start on Your First Date with Fresh Breath!

I was at a party recently talking to one of my boys and he was suffering from some serious halitosis! His breath was soooo bad, I asked him if he had eaten a dead body before he came to the party!

I handed him a whole pack of gum to remedy the situation, but that funny incident reminded of some that happened to me about five or six years ago. I hope you enjoy this story ...

My so-called friend set me up on a blind date. He described her as a 28-year-old, gorgeous, professional, educated, independent black woman with no kids who was fine as hell!

I thought to myself, "Wow! She sounds like a great catch! She might be the next Mrs. PhxSoul! I wonder why a brotha hasn't locked her down already!"

A few days later, I picked her up at her apartment and oh my lord, she was better than I imagined! She had a beautiful smile, she was polite, well-dressed and her body almost made me pass out! Fellas, you know what I'm talkin' about - one of those bodies that make you look around for another brotha just so you both could say, "DAAAAAAMN!"

It was cold that night so we rushed to my car. After she put on her seatbelt, she turned me and shouted, "I've got a great idea! I love sports so let's go to the Phoenix Coyotes game tonight!"

I thought to myself, "My boy hooked me up! A woman who loves sports? Oh man, I must be dreamin'! I was gonna take her to a romantic spot like LoLo's Chicken and Waffles, but a hockey game would be ten times better!"

She was almost giddy as I sped off to the game! She said, "Ohhhhhhh, I love me some hhhhhockey!"

And right at that moment, I smelled something so foul that it made me sit up straight in my driver's seat like somebody poked me in the butt with a needle! Tears welled up in my eyes. What was that smell? Did my cologne go bad on me? Did I forget to use deodorant? Did I step in some doo-doo on the way to car?

She smiled and added, "Hhhhhockey is great because of all the hhhhard-hhhhhhitting action!"

And then I realized what the smell was ... homegirl's breath was kickin' field goals!

And she kept using words that started with a H! Every H word that oozed out of her mouth was like a death blow to my nostrils!

• "Hhhhhhey, will you buy me a hhhhhhot dog at the game?"
• "The dating scene in Phoenix is hhhhhorrible!"
• "My favorite vacation spot is Hhhhhawaii! Hhhhhave you been to Hhhhhhawaii?"

I thought I was gonna throw up in my mouth! I rolled down my window to get some fresh air but my date yelled, "Hhhhhey, it's coooooold!"

I offered her some gum and she had the nerve to say, "Nooooo, I'm aiiiiight. You tryin' say somethin?" Then she laughed before I had a chance to answer!

Is it me or do all people with funky breath refuse to take the hint when you offer them a mint?

So we got to the game and her breath got worse! I thought the "hhhhhot dog" would help mask her breath but no such luck.

She was talkin' up a storm during the game and I think the fans near us caught a whiff of her breath because they kept looking at me like they were seasick! I couldn't understand how a girl so beautiful had so much rottenness inside of her!

Finally, one of the fans pulled me into the aisle and said, "Hey dude, I'm sorry, but you gotta do something about your girlfriend's breath! She's totally killin' all of us! My wife fainted three times and it's only the first period! Help us out bro!"

I told him to be patient because I had a plan to end the madness. All of the fans around me were staring at me with this look on their faces like, PLEASE SAVE US!! I knew I had to do something drastic!

I sat next to her and when my date started to speak, I jumped up, grabbed her jaw and shoved 10 pieces of gum in her mouth while screamin', "Ahhhhhhh! I can't take it no more woman! Yo breath smells like $#!+! Chew woman chew!"

And then things went black ...

I woke up two weeks later in the hospital with three doctors standing over me.

I asked them, "What happened? How did I get here?"

The doctors replied, "Don't worry Mr. PhxSoul, we were finally able to dislodge the hockey stick that your date crammed down your throat, but we still need to keep you here a few more days so we can remove the rest of the hockey pucks from your body. Boy, you must've had one bad blind date!"

The moral of this story ... bad breath can kill ya!

Happy datin' y'all!

Comments

[Dr Mocha]

That was soooo funny! Sounds like she might be having some serious GERD going on. Make sure next time you meet someone with funky breath ask them if they have problems digesting food and then direct her to the nearest clinic. Breath so bad, only a doctor can fix it!! Poor baby...